"Short me one"

Oh, so I forgot to tell you this but the first week of college I went to some tobacco store and a black hobo who was hanging around outside and was like, "Short me one," and I didn't know what the hell that even meant so I asked him and he said it means to give him the rest of my unfinished cigarette haha so I just gave him a whole one and threw mine on the ground and then just as I was about to crush it he was like, "NO no no no no no non o non I need that," and he smoked that, too.

staci says hoensy is best

This is roughly in chronological order.

• DIANA
  
• Met Seth 
• Ate some Fruit Stripes zebra gum (YEAH)
• Took an hour-long drive.
• Seth painting 
• smoking breaks.
• Met Julie, Jenny, Molly.
• Met Liz, Michael.
  
• Nigerian Dance Party: "You evah fucked a black woh-man bee-fore? Waet, how old ahre you? Oh, call me in tree years, honey."
• Met Trendsetter music: "But have you cooked for her?" Also, don't show your teeth if you want to appear intimidating. And look like you have a headache.
• "If you walk away, I'll walk away."
• To the square! We just got a smoothie, though.
• Midlothianstoragepainting. Also, talk to me through me, strange lights and blue vomit and: There was a sound in the hallway, and I couldn't figure out what it was. I was trying to pinpoint it and I finally realized that it was someone walking. As soon as I realized this, I felt the person who was walking, I felt them stop and turn and -- like, they he knew I was a aware of him, I took notice of him and he just stopped and turned towards me and looked at me, through the wall. Just then I hear just this running and this motherfucker is going so fast. I hear his steps on the wood floor and, and there's like this part where the wood panel is lose and when you step on it slams on the cement beneath it and this motherfucker stomps on that shit and he is just hauling ass towards my room. My door busts open and I can see him, like the outline of him--because everything behind him looks blurry--and he just runs up right to me face like right here and I scream and swipe through him and--that was that. I felt his presence just, dissipate.
• Met Derek and Staci --> Crystal Castles and Cookies and Apple Juice --> T.G.I. Friday's. Hot wings and a long island iced tea
• Had a few drinks with new friends.
• Bukkake, squirters, and awesome hacks.
  
• Party fouls: Spilt cocaine, knocked over beer. Don't do this anymore.
• Provigil, Kill Bill, Cake.
  
• (713me) you left that belt at dereks
• (713me) your glasses are at derk and staci's on the coffee table. P.S. don't forget to actually put them there lol yo douchefaggot
  
• Drunken girl advice.
• One final cigarette.
• Talkin' to Jackie until Jon and Danny come home.
• (713me) Hey your drunk (lol "your") so you know you know what you like and you like the sixties as much as--no actually more than the eighties.
• Sleep.

Homework now.

Never can there be

a substitute for a monument

Dang

and then later on they told me that i was wearing ronald's shirt, and so i looked down at my shirt.. and it was ronald's shirt. apparently i got a lot of puke on my all white tee. i still have his tshirt upstairs..but im missing my keys..but i still have my contacts..but im missing joyce's respect..(i think) but i still have her lipstick marks (jk)...srs man??
dang.
dang.

fu

so what does that mean?
does it mean gay?
then

fu

an innocent life

percyclowncar: do you live an innocent life?
percyclowncar: DO YOU LIVE AN INNOCENT LIFE?
lmbotanist: who the hell is this
lmbotanist: to answer your question yes
percyclowncar: who is this

A pair of reading selections

52. To a Stranger
PASSING stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me, as of a dream,)   
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,   
All is recall’d as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,   
You grew up with me, were a boy with me, or a girl with me, I ate with you, and slept with you—your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only,   
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass—you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,   
I am not to speak to you—I am to think of you when I sit alone, or wake at night
alone, I am to wait—I do not doubt I am to meet you again,   
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.  

Walt Whitman (1819–1892)

I AIN'T THA ONE
Sometimes I used to wonder,
How the hell an ugly dude get a fine girl's number.
He's gettin' juiced for his ducats,
I tell a girl in a minute, yo, I drive a bucket,
and won't think nuttin' of it.
She can ride or walk,
either leave it or love it.
I show her that I'm not the O, the N-E, say.
I'm a ruthless N-I double-G A,
'cause I'm gamin' on a female that's gamin' on me
You know I spell girl with a B.

O'Shea Jackson (1969- )

Cappie2000 wrote:

• cappie2000 wrote:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  July 2008
  

  she's like that girl in class (back when you were 14) which was too beautiful and mysterious to even ask out on a date.. all the boys had stories about her, but none of them were true.. all the girls weren't even jealous, because they didn't even know how to cope with or how to behave near such an expression of God like this girl...
  View Profile | Leave cappie2000 a shout
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• yesboss wrote:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  October 2008
  

  yeah cappie, i know what u mean, the one that smelt kinda weird but still floated through ur mind when having a wank
  View Profile | Leave yesboss a shout 
  
  
  
  
  

Plastic Temptation

My mom doesn't believe in credit cards.
Tools of Mamon, she said.

IF FOUND

Please contact XXX.XXX.XXXX

$$$CASH REWARDD$$$
(EVERYONE LIKES MONEY, RIGHT?)

If returned, I will pay you half the current market value of this iPod or 50 USD, whichever is greater.

If this has been found after the apocalyptic event which occurred in the December of 2012 and you have one of the last working computers known to mankind, I am willing to pay you your weight in non-perishable food items -or- clothing for the return of my iPod (price is negotiable.)

Thank you.

Jesus, I Trust In You

She got up that morning, on a beautiful sunny day -- went to the bank. She drove to her job through that beautiful sunny afternoon -- and got killed.

January 14, 1966 - July 8, 2006

It goes a lil sumn like dis

-------------------------------------------------------------------

    Just make yourself comfortable and close your eyes now. Just separate your hands and let them lie loosely in your lap or by your sides if that's more comfortable. It's better if your legs are uncrossed, but it doesn't matter if you feel the need to move slightly now and again. You don't have to be absolutely still, just be comfortable and relax the whole body as much as you can.

    Now I want you to take a deep breath and hold it for a moment before breathing out slowly--just allowing your whole body to relax as you do so--and I want you to keep your eyes closed now, and just keep listening quietly to the sound of my voice. You'll be aware of other sounds, too: sounds inside the building, sounds from outside, maybe passing traffic? But these won't disturb you. In fact, they'll help to relax you, because just for now the world outside is absolutely unimportant to you.

    The only sound you're interested in is the sound of my voice, and while you're listening to the sound of my voice, I want you to concentrate for a moment on your breathing. Breathing slowly. And steadily. And evenly. Just as if you were trying to convince somebody that you were absolutely sound asleep. And as you breathe out each time, just allowing your whole body to relax more and more so that you gradually find yourself feeling as if your whole body were sinking further, and further, with each breath you breathe. And while you're listening to the sound of my voice, you can just simply allow yourself to be as lazy as you would ever want to be.



Just allow yourself to be as lazy as you could ever want to be.









Good.

Dangerous Teen Trends

Only 10 easy payments

So i'm kind of like an expert on infomercials let me tell you what I think about a few okay? Okay.

So the magic bullet one was pretty entertaining it really made me want to buy it because the people were good actors and actresses not really, but it made me sad to think--holy poop this is as far as you've come with all your acting experience anyway it was really funny but that's to be expected because it was unintentionally so. The DualSaw one made my jaw drop because I thought it was 10 bucks but it turns out that's only for a trial period--the thing actually costs about 200 dollars. Suxxxxxx. LUMINESS Air and Bare Minerals and Sheer Cover and all these make up ones I like because people are photoshopped irl pretty much but I am sure it is just professional makeup which is too bad but oh well. Rosetta Stone ionno I actually want it, I wish they had shown people speaking in other languages though. Oh yeah, so those make up ones, I can't relate to them I mean I would never buy make up but along the same lines there is also this Murad Acne Complex thing I mean I would buy that but my acne has gone away pretty much I think I just need to stick with the Proactiv.

AbSculpt is so cool but I can just do crunches probably not though It'd be cool to have something do my crunches for me because my neck hurts when I do them but hopefully I will have a six pack soon.

Jeff's Shortcuts to Internet Millions left a bad taste in my mouth because it's pretty much bullshit fuck you Jeff.

Oh yeah that Slim N Fit really works more older women should wear them I think it would boost their confidence a bit I like seeing people with confidence it makes my day.

Oh and let's not forget the TempurPedic mattress infomercial that is my first foray into the world of infomercials and goddamn I still want one it is made with NASA-patented memory foam that REMEMBERS ITS SHape and you can set a glass of wine down at one corner of the mattress and jump on the other and the mattress absorbs the energy! and even if you roll over it TWICE with a steamroller it returns to its original shape I hope they gave that mattress to some poor kid he deserves it.


















So anyway I want a TempurPedic mattress.

THE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL

THE EFFECTS OF
ALCOHOL
ON AN
ADOLESCENT MALE
PARTAKING OF VARIOUS TYPES, MIXTURES, AND TINCTURES
OF ALCOHOL
FOR THE FIRST TIME

-A COMPREHENSIVE REPORT-

Patient: DANIEL X. XXXXXXXX
Age: 18
D.O.B.: xx/xx/1991
Sex: Male
Height: 1.95 m
Weight: 90.7 kg

OBJECTIVE: To record the psycho- and physiological effects incurred by a steady dosage of alcohol over one (1) night (~6 hours) on patient. ADDITIONAL NOTES: Patient is anosmic. Family history includes issues with alcoholism as well as the cardiovascular system.

No effort has been made to mitigate placebo bias in this study.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

22:35
Initial Dosage

~30 mL of 80 proof Burnett's Vodka

ANXIETY: 1 - 2 - 3* - 4 - 5
EBULLIENCE: 1 - 2 - 3 -4 - 5
LOQUACITY: 1 - 2 - 3 -4 - 5

*(Reason to doubt patient response due to
slightly abnormal responses to questions
like, "Are you nervous?" Possibly in
denial?)

Patient report:

• warmth in the upper esophagial region
• familial tremors are stable
• speaking coherently
• ambulent
• good coordination, dexterity

22:44

9 minutes after initial dosage.
Patient comment: "I feel absolutely normal..."

22:51

16 minutes after initial dosage:
Patient reports increasing warmth in stomach.

23:13
Second Dosage

~30 mL 80 proof Jim Beam Bourbon Whiskey

23:21

Doctor comments: "Dooucheebaaag..."*
*At 00:20, patient writes on report: "Fuck ooooffff! (sic).

23:27
Third Dosage

~30 mL 80 proof Azteca Tequila

No perceptible effects apart from slight familial tremors

23:40
Fourth Dosage

~30 mL of 80 proof Burnett's Vodka

23:44

Patient reports light-headedness, worsening of familial tremors.

23:50
Fifth Dosage

~30 mL 80 proof Jim Beam Bourbon Whiskey
and
~30 mL 80 proof Azteca Tequila

00:15

Patient reports:

• Slurring of speech: "I'm having double wishion." (sic)
• Clumsy ambulance
• Trailing vision
• Failing depth-perception

00:17

Increasing clumsiness

00:18
Sixth Dosage
~150 mL 80 proof Jim Beam Bourbon Whiskey
and
~150 mL Dr. Pepper

00:21

Patient fails to pass field sobriety test.

00:32
Seventh Dosage
Large unmeasured amount of 42 proof Captain Morgan Parrot Bay Coconut Rum

ANXIETY: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
EBULLIENCE: 1 - 2 - 3 -4 - 5
LOQUACITY: 1 - 2 - 3 -4 - 5

Patient report:

• Highly perceptible adverse effect on motor skills
• Further slurring of speech

00:34

• Abnormal facial expressions
• Lightheadedness
• Incoherency in thought pattern

00:42

Initiation of male bonding with fellow roommate, JON.

• Indian-leg wrestling
• Arm wrestling
• Mercy

00:43

Patient comment: "I am a bit drunk, I am nauseous...my stomach is full...my ebullience would be at an all-time high.
*At 01:21, patient writes: "is 4.5 OJA."

00:49

Patient's slurring worsening. Inversion of initial consonants is notably evident: "The alcohol just sit my hystem." (sic)

00:53

My professional opinion is that i don't know*
*Please note that examiner has also been imbibing alcoholic beverages.

01:15

Patient vomits, notes lack of dexterity.

01:23

Patient begins self-reporting. Examiner reluctantly agrees, as he is enjoying his own beverage. Examiner's notes will be in red for the rest of the report.
Professional opinion:

• Very Drunk
• conversations make no sense;
• very jumpy
• 23 oz. by my calculation @ 1:24 AM*

*Patient calculations should not be trusted. He is neither 1) sober nor 2) using metric units of measurement.

Being drunk is indeed euphoric but not worth it.

01:28

Nauseous since 1:15

00:29

Dry heaves - water vomit

01:35

B Really wam wants to come comment about [examiner] am and the black PA girl relationship

01:40

very noticably (sic) nauseous
cannot search google
Told I do not appear drunk

01:434

Seems like forever

• nauseous but recovering slightly
• notice my own slurring
• I presume detoxing a bit

01:46

NAUSEOUS! in waves

01:48

Pushups VERY EXCITING!

01:52

Dry Heaves

01:57

Coordination enhanced noticeably
6 shots
5 shots alcohol/Dr. Pepper
(Vodka?) RUM
7ish shots Rum/Dr. Pepper

STILL NAUSEOUS (SP?)

17 shots total
11 shots Lot 40%
+ 7 shots 35%
= 4.4 shots + 2.54 shots
4.4
+2.45
= 6.85 shot oz. pure alcohol

02:04

tingly limbs

02:10

Nauseous Dry Heaving

02:13

I feel like I can talk mor lucidly easier

02:15

Patient report: stilted speech, nauseousness, better coherence. Has thrown up several times.

02:19

Alcohol is WAY more bitter the second time

02:20

" "

02:28

Nauseous - I wish I wasn't drunk

02:30

Patient goes to bed, still feeling slightly nauseous.

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

(717): Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
(1-717): Haha how do you remember that?
(717): HOW COULD I FORGET?!

Screenplay for

MORGAN FREEMAN
READS THE
ENCYCLOPEDIA
by Aleksandr Wright

MORGAN FREEMAN walks into a large, white room. The only furnishings are a white coffee table, and a white couch, upon which MORGAN FREEMAN takes a seat. Three things are on the coffee table, the most current version of the ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA, an elegant DECANTER full of fine SCOTCH WHISKEY, and a HUMIDOR with 12 CUBAN CIGARS.

MORGAN FREEMAN pours himself a shot of whiskey and takes a sip. He sets the glass down and picks a volume at random. As he settles back, he flips to a random page, and after a short pause, begins reading:

MORGAN FREEMAN

"Uyuni salt flat. Spanish: Salar de Uyuni. An arid, windswept salt flat in southwestern Bolivia. It lies on the Altiplano, at 11,995 feet (3,656 metres) above sea level. The Uyuni Salt Flat is Bolivia’s largest salt-encrusted waste area (about 4,085 square miles [10,582 square km]) and is separated from the Coipasa Salt Flat, a similar but smaller feature to the north, by a range of hills. On its shores are saltworks at Salinas de Garci Mendoza on the north, Llica on the northwest, and Calcha on the south. Vast reserves of untapped lithium..."

MORGAN FREEMAN may occasionally take a sip of WHISKEY or light a cigar and take a few puffs as he reads, savoring either the alcohol or the tobacco, respectively. As he reads random articles, perhaps he makes a few "Hmmm..." sounds, or he may give concise, relevant comments after reading a particularly interesting article, "I wonder what it would be like to visit such a place."